


13x23 Coda: Not Goodbye

by Piper_Halliwell1979



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Comforting Mary Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, Implied Relationships, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Castiel, Season/Series 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:26:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Halliwell1979/pseuds/Piper_Halliwell1979
Summary: Castiel reflects on the moments before Dean was possessed by Michael and processes his emotions after with Mary's support.





	13x23 Coda: Not Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Big thank you to Mary in the Emu Mob for inspiring me to write this

_ This isn't goodbye, Cas.  _ The words echoed in Castiel’s head as he sat on the step. He’d tried to stop Dean from saying yes, despite already knowing that the man would do anything to save his family. A family that now firmly included Jack. Dean wouldn't be Dean if he didn’t take that chance. 

 

_ Dean...don’t... _ he’d pled. But the look was there. Dean was desperate. And so was he. The words wouldn’t come but Castiel had surged forward for that one taste of Dean before Michael consumed him. If Dean didn’t survive...he’d at least have that moment. Just for a second, Dean kissed him back and meant it. He didn’t intend to leave for good.

 

Dean was flown away by Michael’s wings before Castiel could tell him he’d wait for him. He’d be waiting for a prayer, a sign, anything. But all he got was a strangled, “Cas…” before Michael took control. The moment that broke him, had him fighting tears as Mary placed her hand on his shoulder.

 

All he could do was place a hand over hers. She was Dean's  _ mother _ . He should be comforting and consoling  _ her _ . Instead this incredibly strong woman was holding him together with a single gesture. Castiel wanted to turn into her for an embrace, cry it all out on the woman he came to consider his own mother. But he didn’t. He  _ couldn't.  _ Not when he knew Dean would want him to take up the mantle of family protector.

 

Instead he let Mary pat his shoulder before getting up and leaving the room with Bobby. He was a dear friend to her, someone not as emotionally invested with Dean. He could offer Mary comfort. Castiel wasn’t ready. Not when the first words out of his mouth would be a declaration of love for her son. No. It was best to stay quiet, to grieve in his own way.

 

When he finally got up, he went to Dean’s room instead of his own. He slipped off his trenchcoat and hung it on the hook by Dean’s robe. He took off his suit jacket and tie, draping them over Dean’s desk chair. His shoes were placed by the foot of the bed. He picked up the flannel shirt Dean had left laying on his footlocker and slipped it on. It smelled like Dean’s cologne.

 

Castiel curled up on his side on the mattress, nestling his head into Dean’s pillow. Sleep wouldn’t come, but the tears finally did. He cried for Dean, for his family, for a world with Michael unleashed upon it. He cried for a love lost before it could even begin. He cried for his broken heart.

 

Eventually exhaustion consumed him. He slept, fitfully. Vivid nightmares like when he was human. All of Dean being ripped away from him. He must have cried out for him because the name was still on his lips when he startled awake. There was a warm hand on his shoulder again.

 

“Mary?”

 

She offered him a weak but sincere smile. “You were having a bad dream, honey.”

 

Castiel sat up. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. I couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d come in here...I don’t know...maybe feel closer to Dean.”

 

He realized he was still wearing Dean’s shirt. “I suppose I did the same. I tried to stop him…”

 

“Shh...I know. But Dean is...Dean. He’d do anything to protect his family. He wouldn't have listened to me, either. But Sam called. He and Jack are safe. Jack is hurt but he got patched up at a hospital. After he’s rested they’re coming home.”

 

“Jack is hurt?”

 

“He’ll be fine. Even without his powers he’s a strong and healthy young man. He’ll heal.”

 

“Mary...you shouldn’t be the one telling me things will be alright. Your son...I know what it's like to possessed by an archangel. To fight for control until you're so tired you submit.”

 

“Castiel, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like an honest answer if you're comfortable giving it.”

 

He raised an eyebrow. His stomach tightened.

 

“Is there more to the bond you have with him? With Dean?”

 

He cast his eyes down. “On my part, yes.”

 

Mary pulled him into the embrace he’d longed for earlier. “Then you hold onto that. Hold onto  _ him _ . Have faith that it’s strong enough to keep Dean fighting. Because if he feels even a little of what you do, it’s worth fighting for. I believe in Dean, that he’s strong enough to overcome Michael. It hurts...but I can’t let it stop me.”

 

Castiel nodded. “A decade ago I never would have felt...any of this. Dean taught me so much. Sam, too. That there was more to me than being an obedient soldier. That I had choices. That it was okay to feel and to fight for what I truly believed in. I believe in Dean as well.”

 

“I know you do, Castiel. He’s going to need us to be strong. Your son is going to need you. Sam is going to need you. It’s okay to need us, too. We’re a family. We support each other. Today I’ll hold you up...and tomorrow you’ll hold me up.”

 

Castiel clung to her a little longer. “I think I can do that.”

 

Mary gently kissed his forehead. “Good. You’re one of my boys too, Castiel.”

 

He let the sentiment hang there for a few moments. “I love him,” he admitted.

 

“I know, Castiel. That's why it hurts so much.”

 

“I wish it didn’t.”

 

“We’ll get him back.” Mary scooted over to sit up on the bed. She guided Castiel to lay his head in her lap and she ran her fingers through his hair. She hummed softly to him and some of the ache in his chest dulled. 

 

“I’ll do better tomorrow, Mary.”

 

“Mom, Castiel. It’s Mom.” 

 

“Mom…” he repeated. It felt good, felt right. And when he closed his eyes this time, he let himself drift off with...hope.


End file.
